Sheriff's Department
by Justanotherbrony
Summary: There's no police in ponyville?  That's not quite true.  Here are the tales of the Ponyville Sheriff's Department.  Read about how they try to save the day, and usually fail miserbly.  Thank goodness then for the Elements of Harmony!  Features OCs.


So, this the start of the new story. Please read and review! Oh, and a cookie to anyone who knows what movie this whole chapter references.

The setting was a dark and sealed subterranean chamber within a well guarded Gothic castle at a secret location somewhere in the northern hemisphere, lit by flickering torches placed upon the cold stone walls. In this location, gathered round a large circular wooden table with an equine skull upon it, lit internally by a candle, five equines had been vociferously plotting evil together for over an hour, and the discussion was becoming heated. To an eavesdropper listening in on this conference, it would be difficult to pin point any specific details of the meeting through the shouting and petty name calling, but it would be safe to assume that whatever it was these equines were plotting to do, it could only be bad.

These villains were as varied as they were nefarious. There was a serious looking tan coated Earth Pony stallion with a grizzly scar upon his left cheek, dressed in a sharp grey four buttoned pinstripe suit with black shirt and white tie. He also wore a wide brimmed dark coloured Fedora hat, which was set off at an angle upon his head. His cutie mark was a bright green dollar sign. Organised crime seemed to be his forte, and he was the only plotter not arguing with the others. Instead, he remained silent as he kept his front hooves crossed together upon the table. A toothpick was expertly manipulated within his mouth as he grimly took in his fellow conspirators with cold and sinister grey eyes.

To the gangster's left was a burly, hefty looking male zebra. He looked as though he was the despotic ruler of some sort of tin pot dictatorship. He wore an oversized khaki coloured military cap, which was emblazoned with seven burnished gold stars, arranged in a pattern of four over three. His face was obscured by his oversized sunglasses, and his khaki coloured uniform with golden epaulettes was decorated with more medals than any one being could ever hope to earn legitimately. Tucked under his right hand side was a swagger stick, and his cutie mark was that of a golden hoof reaching upwards in triumph, accompanied by golden laurels. The Zebra was bellowing incoherently at the others in a strongly accented voice, occasionally thumping the table with his right hoof for emphasis.

To the left of the military zebra was a large and foreboding white coated male Hippocampus, better known as a Sea Pony. He almost resembled a normal land dwelling pony except for several small differences in his anatomy. The Hippocampus had gills located behind his ears, which were webbed. One ear was pierced with several gold rings. His golden, bloodshot eyes were glassy like a fish's. And instead of a normal Pony's hindquarters, he had the tail of a fish, which was long and coated in green and yellow scales. The Hippocampus had a skull and crossbones for his cutie mark, and he wore a battered and frayed tri-corn hat. The lower halves of his front and only hooves had been replaced with wooden pegs. His frizzy white mane resembled sea foam, and he was sitting in a large basin filled with salt water, his tail curling over itself as it stuck out over the side. He was growling at the others in a deep and gravely voice, furiously claiming that all the others were a disgrace to Blackbeard. And as he swished about in the basin, he sent laps of water splashing over the side onto the floor and table.

To the left of the pirate pony was a decrepit looking female donkey of advanced age with bale green eyes, utterly hideous in appearance, and who's coat was a separate and bizarre shade of deep green not usually found amongst donkey populations. Her muzzle was topped with a wart, and she wore ragged black robes. Perched upon her head was a floppy, pointed black hat. A battered broomstick was propped against the wall behind her. She brayed in a horrible, shrieking voice as she pointed a threatening hoof at the others. A black cat with luminous eyes and a bushy, crooked tail purred around her legs.

And to the left of the donkey witch, thus completing the circle of evil, was a thin, grey coated male unicorn dressed in a lab coat. His mane was jet black and slicked. He wore an eye patch over his left eye, and over that he wore black horn rimmed spectacles. He was actually much younger than his appearance suggested, if the youthful look in his one good blue eye and energetic manner of his movements was any indication. He was struggling to be heard over the raucous of the others. Finally, he had enough, and reared up onto his hind legs.

''ENOUGH!'' the lab coat unicorn yelled, slamming his front hoofs on the table. The sudden movement almost made the candle in the skull go out. All of the others stopped in mid sentence and turned to face him. ''Ve are supposed to be plotting zee overthrowing of zee Sun Princess and the hostile taking over of zee land of zee ponies! And zes arguing is getting us novhere!'' the unicorn continued, frustration etched over his snarling face. He spoke in a Germanic accent, with a nasally high pitched voice. He then sighed and slumped over the table. ''Vhy don't ve have some milk unt cookies and start over, yah?'' There were pleasant murmurs of agreement among the others.

The unicorn turned and made a small gesture to the Diamond Dog servant standing in the corner of the chamber in the shadows. It was a huge and burly mutt, saggy coated but clean. It was dressed in the manner of a butler, with a black tailcoat and white undershirt. The dog nodded in a dignified manner at his master, then calmly and delicately turned towards a table in the corner and laid out a large plate of double chocolate chip cookies, a silver jug of fresh milk and five empty glasses onto a square silver tray. Four of the five glasses were plain and unadorned. But the fifth was decorated in a cartoonish motif of green frogs happily croaking and leaping from lily pads.

''I vant zee frog glass Mutley. Make sure I git zee frog glass.'' the unicorn said in a matter of fact tone.

''Yesh Masfter'' growled Mutley the Butler in a low voice. Beside Ubel, the gangster pony glared at the unicorn with his piercing gaze.

''Say, why do you get the frog glass Ubel?'' he inquired in a dangerous baritone.

''Because Vermicelli,'' replied Ubel in a haughty manner, ''it's mine vacation castle, unt I get to pick mine own glass. Vhen ve are in your vacation castle, you can pick your own glass. Cat fish? Zat is how you say that, right? Cat fish?'' The gangster Vermicelli sneered and shook his head, but said nothing else. Satisfied that he had won the argument, Dr Ubel began to address the assembled villains again.

''OK, now, I'll ask you all again. How do ve take over Equestria?'' There was much pondering and head scratching at this question. The butler slowly made his way round the table, serving up the milk and cookies as they mulled evil schemes over in their heads. The Hippocampus was the first to speak up.

''Arrr…why don't we…er…ahhh….narrr. Narr narr, that's…narrr.'' He slumped back into the basin of water, dejected and down. Then the military zebra began to speak up.

''Maybe we could…blow…up….something?'' he said hesitantly with a shrug.

''Noooo!'' shrieked the donkey witch. ''We should unleash flying monkeys upon them! Poisoned flying monkeys! Poisoned flying monkeys to kill them all! AH HAHAHAH HA! And their little dogs too!''

''Dat's stupid, Wicked Witch of the Northeast.'' snarked Dr Ubel. ''You're stupid. You're all stupid! None of you can even come up a single good evil plan to overthrow all of civilised society! Know vat? I vish Dracula vas here. He probably would've came up vith a brilliant scheme like DAT! But no! He had something 'very important' going on vith his girlfriend dis weekend, and he couldn't make it. So now, I am left vith you guys. The idiots! The dummkopfs! Oh, how I hate you all!'' The assembled villains all hung their heads in shame. The pirate even looked close to tears. Having finished serving out the drinks and snacks, Mutley the butler stoically took up position at his masters right hand side, still holding the silver tray.

''It's probably not even that hard to take over Equestria! Mine fellow country stallions couldn't fight dere vay out of a wet paper bag! Dey are so puny! Equestrians are bakers, gardners, cloud sweepers unt dress makers! Dey aren't fighters! Dey are LOSERS!'' Whilst all attention was on Ubel's ranting, nopony noticed the strange transformation that was overtaking Mutley. His usual stoic, deadpan expression began to twist into a look of suppressed rage, with bulging eyes and gritted teeth. The silver tray shock violently in his trembling paws, and a low growl issued forth from his person.

''And zee Princess? I really hate her the most! Who the HELL does she think she is, banishing me to zee Everfree Forest? Why, I cannot vait to get mine revenge on her, that cow! I'll make her pay! That stupid, stuck up, overly happy bitchOWWWWW!'' Ubel squealed loudly as Mutley swung the silver tray with full force into the back of his head with a resounding clang. There was a collective gasp of shock from the other villains. The force of the blow slammed Ubel face first into the table. Before he could recover, Mutley brought the tray down upon his head three more times, each blow electing a yelp of pain from the unicorn.

''What in the name of Poseidon's blowhole!'' exclaimed the Pirate Pony. Vermicelli sprang forward and grabbed Mutley by the ears to stop him striking the Doctor again. The Diamond Dog dropped his improvised weapon. The dented tray clattered to the floor, and Ubel soon slumped down with it, groaning in pain. But nopony could have been prepared for what happened next. As Vermicelli took a hold of the Diamond Dog's ears he pulled back, and pulled it's head clean off. He looked with astonishment at the head he now held in his hooves. But it wasn't a head. It was a rubber mask. And it wasn't a Diamond Dog that had just attacked Ubel. It was a male pony in a very convincing costume.

The pony, who seemed quite young, had a beige coat, a blonde mane which had been severely unsettled by the abrupt removal of the disguise, and bright blue eyes that were burning with rage. His angular face was soaked with sweat, and set in a grimace of tranquil fury. Before Vermicelli could make a move, the mystery attacker grabbed him by his lapel and stuck him across the muzzle with a powerful sweep of his right paw. Vermicelli's hat was flung from his head by the force of the blow. The intruder then grabbed him with both paws and flung him clean across the table, knocking over the skull and sending the gangster crashing into the dumbfounded Wicked Witch. Her bloom clattered loudly to the floor, and there was the screeching of a startled cat making a break for the exit.

The military zebra now leapt at the unidentified pony in the headless Diamond Dog butler costume, striking out with a slow but powerful right hook. The attacker easily blocked the blow with his left paw, grapping the zebra's outstretched leg and taking a firm hold of it as he did so. He then landed a quick, sharp right pawed blow of his own into the zebras gut. As the despot groaned and clutched his gut in pain, the attacker took a hold of the zebra's right hoof with both limbs, spun around, and flipped him over his back. The zebra was slammed into the floor with a heavy thud. As he lay on the floor, the attacker quickly snatched his shades from his face, revealing the pain in his eyes, and put them on himself.

He then turned, and with a powerful kick to the muzzle, knocked the pirate out of his basin of water. The pirate now flopped about on the floor helplessly, like a literal fish out of water. The attacker then lifted the basin with a grunt. Across the room, the Wicked Witch had climbed back to her feet, dazed and wall eyed. Then she squealed as the attacker sprang forward and emptied the basin right over her head. A hissing filled the room. Purple smoke began to rise from her robes. She looked at her hooves in horror as they began to melt like wax.

''I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh what a horrible world!'' she screamed as she sank deep into her own robes, sending even more purple smoke into the air. Still on the floor, Vermicelli backed away from the horrible scene with a look of terror on his face. The attacker raised his paw to his ear and quickly spoke into some sort of communication device attached to it.

''Seven seven seven here! I need evac asap!'' he barked. ''Copy that!'' a disembodied voice replied from the little .

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, the real Mutley jumped onto the intruders back, putting him into a vicious head lock. The real Diamond Dog was wearing nothing but a pair of white boxer shorts covered in tiny little red hearts. He was roaring and screaming obscenities right into the attackers ears.

The two combatants struggled all across the room. Then the dog seemed to gain the upper hoof as the attacker fell down to one knee, his face bright red as the dog throttled him. Then the zebra, who had regained his composure, grabbled the fallen skull and raised it above his head, ready to strike. But he got the timing wrong, and instead only succeeded in knocking out Mutley. Freed from the Diamond Dog's grasp, the pony in the disguise promptly kneed the zebra in the groin. The zebra squeaked in pain and fell face first onto the floor. He rocked back and forth, clutching the affected area with tears in his eyes.

Suddenly, there was tremendous explosion which blasted in the ceiling. The attacker threw up his fake paws to shield himself from the debris. From the hole in the roof, there was the sound of a helicopter. A searchlight shone into the chamber, and then a rope ladder descended. The attacker calmly walked up to it and jumped on. Ubel, who had managed to pull himself upright again using the table, slowly looked through his battered specs at the departing pony.

''Hey…who are you?'' Ubel groaned.

The attacker turned to face him. He surveyed the room with a superior smirk before answering, lowering his newly required shades to look Ubel in the eyes properly.

''I'm Deputy Harness Bull, Sheriff's Department!'' the attacker growled. His voice was deep and authoritative. ''And don't EVER let me catch you guys in Equestria!''

And with a tug on the rope ladder, he was gone.

Ubel looked at the carnage left behind by the Deputy. The zebra was groaning as he rolled around the floor in pain. The pirate had stopped flopping around and was now gasping for breath. There was nothing left of the Witch but a smoking pile of robes topped with a hat. And the gangster Vermicelli was cowering the corner, his eyes focused solely upon the remains of the Witch. As Ubel began to cry, there was suddenly the sound of an alarm clock…..


End file.
